Category Archives: sarcasm
Thanksgiving through Christmas… a time of hi-jinks in some households… Oh wait! That’s MY house!
It all started waaaaaaay back in grade school.
My brother– who is older and wiser- was in the 3rd grade I was in 1st- Back then teachers asked kids what they were doing for whatever holiday it was (Easter, St Patty , Thanksgiving…) This particular episode it just happened to be Thanksgiving. His teacher asked the kids to find out what they were having for dinner… all afternoon Stace pestered my mom. Finally she said “Damnit! We’re having hot-dogs, OK???” – Which definitely was OK, since he loved hot-dogs. The next day at school the teacher goes around the room… one family is having turkey, another ham, one a roast…. and then she gets to my brother… and he cheerfully states “We are having Hot-dogs” … and she goes on. Not another word was said.
On Thanksgiving, we are all seated around the table, ready to feast and the doorbell rings- My mother answers the door and behold! The PTA is standing there with a Turkey and ALL the trimmings for the poor family that has to have hot-dogs. To say that my mother was a trifle embarrassed is an understatement.
And if you knew my mom, being embarrassed was the worst thing that could happen to her. She would have rathered the house burnt to the ground with everything in it, than have one of us shame her.
My dad hates (with a capital H) chocolate covered cherries. A fact I didn’t know until I was 20! When I was but a tot, my mom thought it would be funny to tell me that Daddy looooooooved chocolate covered cherries. She also knew that once I latched onto an idea- I would never let it go. For nearly 20 years I ritualistically bought my dad the dreaded cherries every single Christmas. And he would always dutifully open them and make a great production of eating one , and then putting them away. I had no idea he absolutely could not stand the until he told me in my 20’s!
Way to go mom! The gift that kept on giving….
My boyz- One was brains, one was brawn. Their playroom was in the basement. We had a storage place under the stairs- one year we hid all their Christmas presents in there. If the Brawn hadn’t acted guilty one day we would never have known they had been playing those presents for nearly a month! The Brain had found the presents and taken them all out of their boxes and had the Brawn flatten the boxes and the lift the toy chest on top of them. We took them away and told them ‘NO DAMN CHRISTMAS FOR YOU’ and made them watch from their room while we opened ours.. and then they got to come have their’s back!
The following year we threatened them with certain shortening of life if they pulled that stunt again…. We found a large box and wrapped it in the shiniest paper we could find and wrote The Brains name on it really big…. just for fun… ON Christmas Eve we told them if they even stepped one toe out their doors before we got up… it would be all over.
Not long after midnight we heard the pitter-pat of little feet… and waited.. a few minutes later we heard a loud WOMP! WOMP! WOMP! Hubby had put one tiny toy in that huge box and weighted it with rocks and wire so if it touched it would flip over. Startled, the Brain yelled “That’s NOT funny”!! and then laughed all the way back down the hall.
And yes there are plenty more tales!
Merry Christmas ya’all!
~ Today on the radio I listened to an interview between well known Italian chef Gino D’Acampo and a British talk show host… and of course the moment I got in the house I HAD to Google the live event….
In a nut shell~ The host insults the poor man by saying “If you just add ham….” who quickly replies with
“if’a my Grand-a-mutha had wheels, she’d’a be a bike-a”
Can you Hear the cadence and inflection in your head?? I can.
I laughed and laughed.
Because I am half Italian. and I understand. COMPLETELY.
~When we were younger, my brother told my mother that her cooking was “ALMOST as good s Chef-Boy-R-Dee”
My mother went on strike with some gestures and muttering with what we loosely translated to mean “If we ever wanted another hot meal, we’d damn well better fix it ourselves because we sure the heck-0 weren’t getting it from her.” (ever)
I actually have some very funny stories about being Italian… But we’ll save those for a later date! WHY??? Because I will have to run fast when my Mother finds out I put her picture in here! ~
Always an adventure.
The hubby tries. He really does.
But you would think, being that we actually live in the same house- he would KNOW my tastes…
I have learned over the years to be pretty specific.
There was the year that I had mentioned new pots and pans were needed… (waaaaaaaay before Christmas!) and an Electric Skillet with 5 pounds of Potatoes appeared
This year my list looks a lot like a ransom note.
I cut out pictures of item specific things I would like and pasted them to paper along with Where they could be gotten. I only listed the stores I actually thought he would go IN
Fingers are crossed!
So my cousin Hannah has come for a month long visit to our farm. She is 9 years old.
At first I was “What am I supposed to DO with a GIRL?” We raised Boys!
~As it turns out, there was nothing to fear.~ We both speak SARCASM fluently.
She was (is) a self admitted “indoor” girl.
Well- things have changed a smidge.. I am sure her Mama will have a few bad habits to break!
BOOTS go with everything. Hannah has worn her boots more that her sandals and hasn’t even touched tennis shoes yet. 🙂
COOKIES for breakfast are ok sometimes.
WALKS are great for dream making… Hannah wishes to be an Artist or a Fashion Designer… I hope she follows her dreams, where ever they may lead.
Dirt won’t kill you… we have been in the garden daily. she has learned to simply rub things that fall in the dirt on her pants and keep on going…
She can DO ANYTHING. She has learned that with a little perseverance and cussing, all tasks are do-able! So very proud of her!!
Coffee nearly BLACK… and a sweet tooth for French Vanilla flavoring.
POLKAand two-step are a must have in the dance repository if you want to be ‘social’ around these parts.
HAY BALES are great fun. So is the quad and the dog. CHICKENS will follow you like the Pied Piper.
Well~ I gotta run. More on our adventures later…. sewing, baking, swimming, dancing and more! We have MEMORIES to go make!
I don’t know what me think of it today…
A few years ago, I had run down to Colorado to see my son, The Marine, who was on leave visiting his grandma. He said “I’ll meet you at the airport, Mom before we each fly out.
He is NOT a morning person. At all.
I was already through security and on the other side waiting….and waiting…and waiting some more.
I finally just got on the train went to my gate. ..He had told me he was on the same airline. Turns out NOT! But I didn’t know that yet. He calls me from the other side of security…
He had JUST arrived!… (kids… sigh)
Holy S*** MOM!!! What do I doooooooo?? I HAVE to get on that plane!
Good Mama that I am, I immediately find the nearest gate girl, explain that the kidd-o is still in security and his flight is going to leave. SOON. Gate girl is awesome. She calls downstairs, get him a cart to grab him and his gear and bring him directly to the terminal… So I call him back and ask Where is he so they can fetch… Hahahahaha… He’s on another carrier!!!
The fabulous gate girl, still made a few calls and got him through security lickity quick. After that he was on his own.
Me??? I was sulking because I knew I would not be seeing The Marine before I left. The two areas of DIA are literally a mile apart.
My plane is starting to board. And suddenly you hear “Hey Damnit” and then “Look out!!!”
and…… Mooooooooommmmmmmmmm!!!! I’m coming!!!!!! WAAIIITTTTTTT!!!!
And lo and behold, here comes my son, in full gear… Duffle on back, bags in hand… doing THE OJ …. leaping over chairs and small kids in a single bound. ( he may have elbowed one two people out of the way too)
My son, The Marine, had RUN the entire length of DIA just to see his Mama off and take a quick picture before SPRINTING all the way back to grab his plane.
I love that kid!
We are building a new house this spring. WE.. as in WE are doing ALL the finish work. We had the shell and rough plumbing contracted.
Have you ever done anything important TOGETHER??? It is challenging.
Todays challenge was we had to take down several trees so the house could go up. Two were dead. Two were my favorite little apple trees. 40 year old apple trees!
Beautiful, droopy, cozy little apple trees.
I was OK with the first three. But I totally turned Tree Hugger on the last one!
We had hubby’s dad come over and run the chain saw. Hubby wasn’t ready to trust me with either the tractor (with the cable) or the chainsaw.
I personally think it was because we live in old school “Man’s Country” and some things are simply “Men’s Work”.
I can hear that old jingle from George of the Jungle… “George. George… George of the Jungle…watch out for that treeeeeeeeeeeee”
Once upon a time in a far off land… Ok, more like a in a little town nobody has ever heard of..
We won the BEST BUSINESS award for Washington County. I almost wasn’t ALLOWED to accept it.
This little café was smack in the center of town. A tiny town. 96 people. A town where time stood still. Literally. The home of the ‘old boys club’. A staunch old school German community. 130 miles from Denver and another 60 or so to St. Francis, KS. ~If you wanted food, you were getting it here. ~
We worked our rumps off to make this place a success. We had regular customers that would drive 50 miles just for our fried chicken! We tons of truck traffic and catered far and wide. Tony had been a well known chef in Denver before we made the move. I worked extra hours so we’d have the money to employ the teenagers an moms that came looking for work. We had a wonderful friend, also an award-winning chef from California come join us, as well as the Mom-in-law.
In our neck of the woods, there were many organizations one could join. However… MEN were the end all-be all of the area. If a woman showed up for say, an economic development meeting, it was “Understood” that it was by Proxy as a stand in for her husband. And that everything would be rehashed with HIM the following morning over coffee.
We were awarded Best Business of the Year by Washington County. This was for our efforts to attract business and for being the main employer after the rural school. (The elevator had shut down)
So, we dress up. And we go. Dinner was good. The company was interesting. I think many of them were a little uncomfortable. It was mostly men, all patting themselves on the back.
They announce the award. I stand up. Shannon is clapping wildly. And…… SILENCE. Utter and complete silence. The very nice fellow looks around asks when is your Husband going to get here? I said that he was unable to attend. And he said that if They Had Known , they would have waited until another date.
I popped a cork. And let the Old Boys Club know in no uncertain terms what I thought about that.
I got the award.
Just goes to show… sometimes you have to blaze new trails!
I am A Good Wife…. Bwahahahahahah~ NOT…
It is not that I don’t try… But sometimes my intentions just don’t work out like I thought!
And on that note…. One of my favorite cookbooks is “The Brides Book” 1936
It is loaded with all manner of useful tips on being a GOOD WIFE… I also possess several others that read like novels… Here are some Tips for YOU:
“Your house-dress should be wide enough for action, but not so wide it will get in your way or make you trip on stairs or the ladder.”….. “A house-dress should also be able to achieve a ‘nipped-in’ hourglass definition when corralled by your crisp and clean apron.”
~Yeah- That one’s worked out really well for me.~ (a touch of sarcasm there)
“Never complain. Never show strain”
“Always wear the proper foundation garments“
Advice on keeping your man:
“The moment your world-weary office gladiator plants one wing-tipped foot through the vestibule, like an earthbound Tinkerbell, you shall flit around him until he wants for no more.~Delivering the high-ball, the newspaper, his slippers and the dinner with a SMILE and eyes overflowing with adoration.”
“You should also eagerly ask questions about his day, benching your own news until further notice”
(that one isn’t working
out to well for Hubby…)
So….How good of a wife are YOU? I’d love to hear from you!